It was the day, the same day, eleven years ago. It was the day when, I think, I didn't remember days. Until now, sometimes, I am still wondering, why didn't I remember that day. In fact, that was one of the saddest day in my life. However, the images of what happened that day are still clear, until today. It is a little weird that I cannot remember the day. In many previous years, sometimes the day just passed by when I remember when that day was. To be honest, I just recall this day because the date is similar to our house number. Such a coincidence. So, the date is not directly related to the occasion actually. And today, after eleven years, I decided to write this down, after several times of thinking the same problem of why can't I remember the day like any other important days. But, what I am going to write today will not answer that question, I guess, it has no answer. The simplest answer I can think of is just maybe what happened that day took all my attention that I am not able to think about anything else, anything, including the date, the day.
I just want to share a little story, so one day if I forgot (hopefully no), I have something to remind me..
So, actually that day was predictable and finally came. We should have been prepared ourselves for that, however, no matter how hard or how well you prepare, you will never be prepared for that thing, trust me (or not). After a long long fight, maybe 2 - 3 years, we have no other choice, the fight was over. No more fight, no more suffering.
I can't remember, but, maybe a week or maybe two weeks before that, someone told me to be prepared, for that day. Before that, other people told me the same too. Deep down in my heart, I said to myself why should we treat a person that still alive like she was going to leave us that soon? Isn't it cruel for her? Isn't it like she was unwanted? These question was never asked, yet got no chance to be answered. Time passed by, and that day finally came. I can still remember how strange all the things were, still very clear in my mind, like recalling a movie scene. I was still very young, still in high school, and I think I can not speak up my opinion, maybe even now, if I am in that kind of situation, still can not tell my opinion. It's just so weird. At that night, we had someone to come and see her. That person said, it's time. So, we prepared everything. It was midnight already, I was asked to go to sleep. I was told that he will call me when it's time. It was an early morning, still dawn, it's time, it really is. The oxygen was there, but it was not breath anymore. I woke up to say the last goodbye. Indeed, I didn't say anything. No words came out. In our tradition, we are told to say 'good people walk good path', I cannot think of anything else instead of repeating that sentence, hoping that she really had a good path. I have nothing to wish for.
It was predictable, it really was. I didn't remember what I was thinking when I went to sleep that night. What I can say is I think my brain did not work at all, completely. It's just happened, I can't think of anything, I can't do anything. I was crying, a little bit. We don't have a big house, just a small one but enough for us. But that day, for two days maybe (see? I can't remember properly), lots of people came to that small house. It was full day and night. I have no time to process everything. But now, I can still remember me looking at myself at that day, you know, like you are being another person to see your own self. One of the sad things that I remember, at the beginning I didn't cry when I deliver her to the funeral, I cried because the person beside me cried, that made me cry. I was crying quite hard that time. The rest was history, we continue our life, our life must go on. It was a great great lost. He said, it must be different, even if she just stayed in bed, she was with us, but now she was not here anymore. Like a table, we had lost one of our legs. That was true.
After that day, I don't remember how I live, just like normal people, but I believe I have something inside. I lost someone really important. Lots lots lots of things I wish we can do together, but indeed, we can't. Lots of experience, lots of questions, that I should ask to her, but I can't. And, I think, I am today, is made of those little pieces of life events.
I don't know how to explain myself that day. As I said, the memories are crystal clear, but my feelings, my thoughts, I have no idea until today, can't explain.
Hey, look at me now, I live a good life, don't I? Hopefully I have something to make you proud. Hopefully you are truly proud of me. We have no proper picture together, technology that day was lame. I can't even remember our very last conversation. It was because we fought together, we have no time for other things, but that's okay, that was the right thing to do. You know, I will always, hopefully, remember your face. Actually, not only your face, but you, all the good things in you :)
I wish you are born in a better place now and let's meet in another life.
I love you in every universe. I love you limitless. And I miss you always.
We missed a lot of experiences that we possibly had. But that's okay, I had 16 years of my life with you, now I already have 11 years without you, maybe I will have more years without you than with you, but you know what, it doesn't matter, I always have you in me, always. I wish one day we cross our path again, until one day we are free. Sadhu.
with love, your little buddy who loves you endlessly,
Em 🙆
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