[sembilan puluh satu] a love letter for grandma

A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend

Hello everyonee ..

Happy late Valentine anywayy hhhee

There was a sudden something happen at the beginning of this month, that was a little bit shocked. So, on this occasion, just would like to write this post, to appreciate and thank my grandma, the one that I lost this month.

Thank you for everything that you have done.

I know and I see myself that life isn't that easy for you.

Your hardwork and fighting spirit, I think, were the most important traits that you have, that you can give to us. I will keep that as a lesson in my life.

You once told us about your life story, which somehow we might think that hmm it's a fairytale or seems impossible, however, that's real. So, I really understand that your personality was built from how hard your life was, nonetheless, you chose to not to give up and here we are, your children, grandchildren, can live a better life than that you might experience before. 

Sometimes you were angry at us, not tolerate a single mistake, or just told us how to do things, even a small one. But, I deeply know that you wanted us to do the right thing as you were. You didn't want us to make maybe the same mistake. So, we can do things right. 

You always emphasize on essential things. As you lived a hard life, you know which ones are essential and which ones are tolerable. 

In most times, I have to say, you were hard on us hhehee but, I know it's for the sake of our life, for a good life. 

Until the last time, you still show your spirit to work, to move, although I know you felt sick most of the times. 

But now, you are in a better place. 

I hope you'll have a happy life.

Hope to meet you in another life, until we will not be born anymore. 

Be happy there. We will miss you a lot, Ahu.

谢谢外婆

See you on [sembilan puluh dua]

Cheers,

Em 🙆

[sembilan puluh] time for griefing

grief is the price we pay for love

- Queen Elizabeth -

Sebuah potongan kalimat yang sangat dalam dan indah sekali dari Ratu Elizabeth, mengingatkan kita (re: saya) kalau grief (berduka) itu adalah konsekuensi dari love (cinta/sayang). Kalau kita menyayangi atau mencintai sesuatu maka yakinlah suatu hari kita pasti akan berduka karena hal itu, tentu, saat hilang atau lepas dari kita. 

Last week, I just lost my grandma, my last grannys. Secara total, untuk keluarga dekat, ini yang keempat kalinya kehilangan keluarga terdekat. Selalu ada hal yang saya "temukan" di setiap kehilangan ini. 

Kali ini, entah sebelumnya sudah menyadari atau belum, I really feel that griefing is really hard, man. 

Not how to go through it, tapi ketika kita kehilangan, kita tuh tidak punya waktu untuk benar-benar berduka, merasakan oh saya kehilangan orang terdekat saya.

Lahir dan besar di tengah-tengah tradisi keluarga yang masih kental (bukan hanya Chinese tradition, tapi tradisi orang Indonesia juga), banyak hal yang harus dilakukan ketika kita sedang berduka. Hal teknis, technical things, that make you have no time to grief, at that very moment.

Saya betul-betul melihat dan merasa, orang yang mungkin belum benar-benar mencerna rasa kehilangannya, tidurnya kurang, makannya tidak teratur, tapi sudah harus mengurus banyak hal. Mengurus pemakaman, mengurus printilan-printilan upacara yang harus dilakukan, menghadapi tamu-tamu yang datang, menceritakan kejadian yang terjadi, memikirkan teknis lainnya yang harus dilakukan saat itu. Memikirkan diri sendiri malah mungkin tidak sempat.

Hal-hal itu bukan hal yang buruk. Tapi betul-betul membuat saya merasa it's not easy, it's damn hard. You need to be very dewasa dan bijaksana untuk bertindak di kondisi seperti itu. 

Hal yang sulit adalah bagaimana membuat suatu hal tidak menjadi hanya seperti formalitas. Melakukan upacara ini dan itu, tapi tidak sempat benar-benar merenung dan mendoakan orang terdekat kita yang pergi. 

Griefing needs time and loneliness, as you'll need time to think, to pray, to reflect on every thing. Dan, kadang-kadang saya jadi melihat bahwa susah sekali kita mendapatkan waktu untuk bisa merasakan kedukaan itu. Tapi ya mungkin itulah tantangannya juga hehee

Intinya, (saya kasih keluar dulu logatku wkwkw), saya kayak berpikir ji, karena sibuk sekali ini urus ini itu khususnya kalau banyak mi tamu datang, kayak ndak bisa mki berpikir dengan baik, ndak bisa ki benar-benar mencerna oh ini rasa duka yang kurasa karena pergi mi orang yang kita sayangi. Tapi, bukan juga saya bilang kalau tamu-tamu yang datang melayat itu ndak boleh, cuma menurutku ini sebuah fenomena yang unik saja. Bahwa, manusia-manusia super itu keluarga yang berduka, yang bisa na atur sedemikian rupa dirinya, emosinya, isi kepalanya untuk tetap berfungsi di keadaan yang pasti tidak bisa ki berfungsi maksimal. Jadi, kalau kita yang berduka, kita harus paham ini, dan kalau kita punya kenalan yang berduka, hargailah itu, karena manusia super itu mereka. 

Anyhow, for me personally, griefing is important, doesn't mean to attach to something that's already gone, but to move forward and to live your must-go-on-life better. By griefing, we don't deny the feeling, we hug the feeling and go through it. 

Itu saja celotehan hari ini, cuma mau berceloteh saja hehee

Sampai ketemu di [sembilan puluh satu]

Cheers,

Em 🙆

[delapan puluh sembilan] happiest birthday makk

Happy sixty two mom!

Bulan Februari, bulannya geng aquarius wkwk. Di rumah, ada 2 manusia yang lahir di bulan Februari ini, so dari kecil, bulan Februari adalah bulan yang "noticeable". Yap, dua manusia itu adalah emak saya dan bos saya (tapi bukan big boss hahhaa).

Anyway, for my mom, it's today! Happy birthday mamakkk, if you were still here, you would be 62 wkwkwk sungguh tak terasa waktu berjalan hmmm tidak cepat namun tidak juga lambat. And that means, sudah 14 tahun juga ucapan ulang tahun ini tidak tersampaikan. 

Sama seperti "perayaan" lainnya, ulang tahun is not really a special celebration, but surely for me, it's still special, not about the celebration, but about the day itself. The special day for your special ones. 

For this year, I would like to extend my heartfelt greetings through this post.

Happiest birthday ya makk, I dont really remember celebrating your birthdayy, huff, sorry since at that time I still didnt have any capacity (read: money) to make a special celebration hehehe 

Time goes mom. I have no idea whether you know this matter.

My main issue is still the same, I think that maybe around 3 or 4 posts of mine were talking about this problem. I have no idea where to find the answers of some questions running around my head day by day, from one question to another, sometimes go to another one, and sometimes going back to the previous one, while on the other side, I thought it might be a whole different story if you're still here. Again, this doesn't solve anything, yet I still need to think it myself. Sad story it is.

Putting those aside, many great things happen too!

The main highlight is your grandchild, she is totally amazing hahahhaa you'll be amazed that she can do so many things already wkwkwk 

Life goes on mom. At this moment, not feeling really good. But, this too shall pass (nod).

My wish since then is the same. Wish you have a better life there, a happy one. All the best.

Miss you lots 💛

[see ya, at sembilan puluh]